Are You A Perfect Man?

 

I have just read a write-up in the website listing the criteria what women look for in a man.

Man ~ see below for the criteria and if you fall within, then you definitely have double the chance of getting a mate.

Ladies ~ need not to say. I know you’ll take this like the gospel truth ;p

 

1. 6-feet tall (gaaawwwsh!! got a long way to go)
2. Toned and athletic (if you say with a beer belly is toned and athletic, then I’m in)
3. Brown eyes (don’t even know my eyes colour)
4. Short dark hair (do you know grey hair is the new trend? define short! )
5. Smart dress sense (errr…)
6. Beer drinker (hell, yeah! Loads of them)
7. Non-smoker (I don’t smoke, just light it up and suck)
8. Wears smart jeans, shirt and a V-neck jumper (no comment, mommy decides what I wear)
9. Gets ready in 17 minutes (errr… does it include getting into shower and taking a dump?)
10. Stylish (does it include wrong combi of colors?)
11. Wants a family (no choice, born to one tho)
12. Earns £48,000 ($77,000) a year (gotto find myself another job)
13. Loves shopping (for?)
14. Eats meat (what meat? which part of the body?)
15. Clean shaven (omg)
16. Smooth chest (damn those hair)
17. Watches soaps (woooo… bubbly)
18. Enjoys watching football (like the cheerleaders)
19. Drives an Audi (long way to go… still driving a Perodua)
20. Educated to degree level (finally, at least 1)
21. Earns more than his other half (err… if you have the other half, then why the hell you are looking at this list? huh!?)
22. Jokes around and has a laugh (been associated with cuckoo fellas)
23. Sensitive when his wife/girlfriend is upset (sensitive also when they start hitting you too)
24. Says “I love you” only when he means it (yea… only when you want some action)
25. Admits it when he looks at other women (hell, NO!)
26. Has a driver’s license (does it include after many attempts, and after giving bribe?)
27. Can swim (can sink)
28. Can ride a bike (yea… riding behind as pillion rider)
29. Can change a tire (of course, send it to the tire shop)
30. Calls mom regularly (never call… mom always calls)
Via http://www.divinecaroline.com/24138/128457-meet-perfect#ixzz1wPWHNwko

p.s. ~ the comments in red are all mine only, and have no association  or resemblance with anyone in particular ;p

Come to think about it… if all ladies take this list and follow, then we’re gonna have loads of old people running around  hahaha  ;p

Three Men Cross a River

 

This is really funny… but I hope all my male friends wont come n whack da sh*t outta me  hahaha

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

 

The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

 

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength .. and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

 

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools .. and the intelligence ... to cross this river."

 

And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

 

* To all my bros, if u really wanna come n look 4 me after reading d above, then pls pray that God gives u strength, d tools n d intelligence 1st yea… kekeke

Hope Our Hospital Staff Doesn't End Up Like Tis

I really hope that our hospital staff won't end up like this fella when our hospital opens in the future. It's gonna be a classic if it happens... I'll b d 1st to fly down there & congratulate him kekeke

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said.

'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.

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I Wanna Grow Old Like This ;p

This one is really good... i wanna grow old like this.. though it's kinda weird, but wat da heck. enjoy ur life.

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it..'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

9 Months Later

I love this... it's so funny.

9 Months Later...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney...

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' 'She just died and left me everything.'

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

Interesting Story

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal: "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."


You're going to love the Dad's reply:

(YOU"RE GONNA LOVE THIS ANSWER) .........
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To which his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

Quiz for U

Was sent tis quiz by a fren 2day. Wanna share 2 test u.. hehehe (Take a pen and a piece of paper. Write down d answers) See if u r smart.. :p

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

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OK... the answers to the quiz are:

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

Human Trafficking

There's this news that the custom is high on catching foreigners that come in our country to work without any proper working permit or visa. And rumor that whenever the officers are suspicious of a visitor, he/she will be called in for questioning.

But how do they know which fella to call in? Is it based on the number of visits in a period of time?

Anyway, that I do not care. But there was a call of a few visitors for questioning a few days ago. And apparently this fella came from China and his laptop was confiscated by the custom officer before he was questioned. Then after about half an hour of questioning, he was let off to go as there was "no any suspicion" as to his frequent visits to our country. But the officers had conveniently 'forgotten' to return the laptop to this poor chap.

So this poor ol'Chinaman went to request for his machine. Upon questioning why he wants the laptop for when he's just visiting, he blurted out saying "I need it to work here!"

There it goes... Just a couple of minutes ago, he was walking out the room a free man without any suspicion but now he's brought back into the room for further questioning and this poor chap is waiting to be deported back to his lovely home.. hahaha

3 Little Pigs

Do you still remember the "The 3 Little Pigs" story that our parents n the kindy teachers used to tell? Yea... i bet all of us still remember that big bad wolf... huffing and puffing away the poor piggys' house.

But today, the poor pigs r in trouble n their life are in danger.

Yeah! Yeah! They r not as cute n cuddly as they used to be. And they didn't know that the brick house they built was below water level, so whenever it floods, they gotto run for their pig's life hahahaha ...

Confess Your Sins...

Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins.

When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the priest, "Father, I am sinful."

"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."

"That's bad my boy. Fortunately, you realize your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues. So, I slept with her too."

"That's not very good of you."

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."

"Father?.... ..... Father?"

Suddenly, this guy realized that there was no response from the Father. He walked over and discovered that the priest was not there. So, he began searching for him. "Father? Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano. "Father, why are you hiding here?"

Do u know why?

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The father replied, "Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

Damn 'Malu-fied' Situation At Work

I was having a training session with a group of audience last few days, when my friend George called me.

He: Daniel, come.
Me: What's dat?

He pointing at his laptop wit one of his hands rubbing his eyes, n me started reading wat's on it. It reads

"Jordin Sparks Died Yesterday"

I was in fact shocked by wat im reading, n looking at d situation i was in, i only managed 2 say, "oh... wat a waste (of talent, i mean)". Then i asked, "so, how did she die? What happen?"

George made a click on his keyboard n another web-page popped out. He, once again, pointing at the screen, expecting me 2 read again.

N guess wat... do u know how Jordin Sparks "died"?

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"No Air"

Blardy hell...! I really wanted 2 smack d sh*t out of dat boy, im telling u... But anyway, it's a good wan, tho.. hahahaha

He Definitely Got BAD Sex Life

Got a mail from a friend. Told me that his sex life is so bad. His wife "does not respond" whenever he's had an 'itch' with loads of excuses. Children still awake. Mother-in-law around. Work stress. Tired after a long day work. Excuses... Excuses... Excuses...

Finally tis friend is so fed up he decided 2 'relief' himself

BUT

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Laughed My A*** Out... hahahaha

I just got tis email fr a friend n wat most interest me is tis "Wanna Know Why Ur Kid Failed In Exam?"

Enjoy urself

Academic standards are certainly dropping. The students are good clowns anyway. I hope you enjoy this. The youth of todayz. The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination inSwindon, Wiltshire..

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon,and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominalcavity. The brainium contains the brain, the

Borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels:A,E,I, O and U

Q. What is the fibula

A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean

A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure

A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature

A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

U Hire Me n U'll Noe Wat I Can Contribute 2 Ur Company lar!!

Imagine tis... u applied 4 a job which u prefer n u were shortlisted n now u r attending d interview session..

There goes... u walked into d CEO's office. There she is sitting there with her laptop typing her way ahead giving u a glance before continuing her work.

U: Good morning
CEO: Hi... hv a sit. (having seated, she continues) I see dat u hv responded to our job ads.
U: Yes.
CEO: So. Tell me about urself. From d CV dat i've got here doesn't really say about urself.
U: Okay... My name is ABC n .... bla bla bla...
CEO: So, ABC. May I know what qualifications in terms of paper qualification u hv?
U: Err... Ms. CEO, 4 ur information I've not gain much paper qualification here n I can tell u dat I hv enuf experience in tis job.
CEO: Okaaayyy... no paper qualification (scribbling something on her note) So dat means u r not a degree holder or sort. Well, tell me then, how wit ur experience can u contribute for our company. As u understand, we r a public listed company in the stock exchange with a capital of USD100mil n besides dat, we hv hundreds of branches n subsidiaries thru-out d world.
U: Err... I hv about 10 yrs of experience here for my job n shud b able to handle d job requirement.
CEO: Really? Then tell me again. Do u hv any IT skill? M.Project Professional, M.Visio, HTML, C+ Language, Java, etc?
U: Im very sorry, Ms. CEO. I dun hv tis kinda knowledge. Btw, does my position need 2 use tis kinda IT skill??? (scratching head)
CEO: Wat!!? U dunno!? Hv u read our job requirement b4 u applied? Pls do not waste our time!
U: Err... Ms. CEO, I apply 4 dispatch wor. I noe how 2 ride motorbike n can send letter n stuff lor. Must use computer wan meh..??
CEO: (browsing frantically thru her papers) Oops... sorry. My mistake. Okay, u r hired.

Warning! Dun Try 2 Scare Ur Gurlfren

Got tis funny email fr a fren of mine... n his warning is u guys (i mean male species) out there dun ever try 2 scare ur gurlfren hahaha

So Funny... lol

This is so funny... lol

R U Gay? Bcos Ur Different

I Called My Boyfriend a Bastard!

GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.

PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?

GIRL: Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST : You mean like this?

The psychiatrist kissed the girl

GIRL: ...... Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top

GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes

GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he had sex with me!

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

The psychiatrist had sex with the girl

GIRL: .Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS .

PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!

Doctors: Who Is Easier To Operate?

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up. Everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded. ' The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best; Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.' The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the asshole - and they are interchangeable. '

No Smoking

Since that there is a law stating that it is against the law to smoke in an enclosed public area, I wonder when will they impose such law as to prohibit smoking in the car with child in.


hmmm... i guess we'll see lots of this happening here, rite... hahahaha